Voices – Page 54
Jen stared at him for a moment. Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled over her cheeks. John wiped them away with his thumb, and Jen smiled at him.
“You okay?” He asked
“No one’s ever said that to me. I mean, other than my dad.”
“Does my saying it make you feel better?” John asked.
Jen nodded. She took his hand in hers and sat looking at it, tracing small patterns on his palm with her thumb. She opened her mouth as if to speak, then closed it again. More silence. Jen sighed.
“Is it hard for you to say it, Jen?”
Another nod.
“You don’t have to. It’s okay.”
Jen put her hands over her face. John sat up, put his arms around her, and leaned back against the bed. Jen curled up against him and for a long time they simply lay there, saying nothing.
“I want to,” Jen said at last.
“Want to what?”
“Say it. I’m scared, though. God, John, I’m so tired of being scared of everything.”
“We can work on that, too, then. First thing, though, is that you need to stop drinking. It’s going to kill you, Jen.”
“I don’t understand why I can’t stop. It’s just booze. I don’t even like it anymore.”
“It’s an addiction, Jen. You’re physically and mentally dependent on it. That’s not the kind of thing that most people just go ‘oh, hey, fuck it’ and stop doing. I’ve been trying to quit smoking for three years, and still haven’t managed to go for more than a month.”
“That sucks,” Jen said.
“It does, but I keep trying. You’ll have to keep trying, too. You’re going to wake up at night and it’s going to be tempting. I want you to know that I’m here to help. You can wake me up. I’ll talk to you, play cards with you, go for a walk with you… whatever you need.”
“I don’t understand how you can be this understanding, John. If I were you, I’d have punched me in the teeth and kicked me out a long time ago.”
“That’s how I know I love you… feeling like this about everything. I’ve been a real dick at times, to women who probably didn’t deserve it. I broke up with one girl because after sex she said ‘goodnight, I love you’. That was it. Just once, and she was mostly asleep when she said it. I sat down with her the next day and told her we should start seeing other people.”
“That seems like a strange reason to break up with someone.”
“I guess probably it is, but at the time I thought I was a lunatic and the last thing I wanted was anyone falling in love with me. Now? Jen, I hope some day you’ll say that to me. I hope I can make you comfortable and happy enough that you’ll be able to say it, and mean it.”
Jen was quiet for a time, resting against him. Finally she said, “I’m probably not supposed to do this… lie here like this. The doctors will yell at me.”
“Fuck them,” John said. “I’m okay. My chest barely hurts, and I like having you here.”
Jen shuddered. “Your chest… I thought you were dead, John. I thought you were gone.”
“But I’m not.”
“I don’t want to go back after Dr. Jackal. Please, can we give this up?”
“That kid needs our help, Jen. I didn’t have time to pick everything up, but I know enough. Jackal has his sister somewhere, and he’s using her as leverage to get the kid to do what he wants.”
“That ‘kid’ almost killed you!”
“Yeah, but now I know what he can do. He won’t get that chance again.”
Jen shifted position so she could look up at him. “How can you be sure?”
John shrugged. “Nothing is sure, Jen. Nothing is ever sure.”
“So you don’t worry about anything?” Jen asked.
John laughed. “I worry about things all the time. You have to try not to let it paralyze you.”
“I’m not very good at that.”
“We’re working on it, right?”
“Guess so.” Jen yawned, then sat up and stretched. “The nurse really is going to yell at me, John. I’ll sleep in the other bed, like I’m supposed to.”
John held her hand for a moment, keeping her from walking away from the bed. Jen looked at him, confused.
“Don’t be angry with me,” John said. “I’m trying to do the right thing, Jen.”
She gave him a tired smile and shook her head. “I’m not angry with you, John. I know what you’re trying to do. It’s just been a long time since I was worried about doing the right thing. Give me time to adjust, okay?”
“Deal.”
Jen leaned down, kissed him goodnight, and moved toward the second bed.
