Voices – Page 15
They were still sitting on the bed. Jen had cried into his chest for several minutes, but eventually the tears had stopped. Now, John had let her sit back up, smoothed her hair away from her eyes, and smiled at her.
“You could’ve told me,” he said, and Jen’s face crumbled. John was sure that she would start weeping again, but after a few shaky breaths, she fought it off and asked for a cigarette instead. Then she looked up at him with those haunted blue eyes.
“I was thirteen the first time my uncle raped me,” Jen said.
She paused, trying to light a cigarette. Her hands were shaking too badly to do it, and eventually John took the lighter from her and held the flame to the tip. Jen inhaled, blew smoke out through her lips, stared at him, looking miserable.
“I thought it might be something like that,” John said, lighting his own cigarette.
“Do you want to hear about it?” Jen asked.
“Yes.” There was no hesitation in John’s voice. Even if he hadn’t been interested, which he was, he would have wanted her to tell it anyway. It was obvious that she needed to.
Jen sighed, and began.
“I lived with my Dad and my brother in Maryland, and he’d come to visit us sometimes, and he was always so nice to us. When he came to live with us, Timmy and I were so happy. He was so much fun. And for the first year or so, it was great. Until my… until my breasts really came in. That’s when the tension started.”
John nodded, said nothing, waited for Jen to go on.
“He came in one night while Dad and Tim were on a fishing trip, drunk, and he held me down and slid my nightgown up and raped me. I barely knew what the fuck he was doing… they’d only just taught us the mechanics in health class that year, you know? I just knew that it hurt a lot, and that I felt so ashamed after it was over.
“He used all the clichés… told me it had to be our secret, that Dad and Tim wouldn’t understand, that people would think I was a whore who got what she deserved if I ever told anyone. I felt so bad; I assumed he must be right. I promised not to tell, and he left.
“I waited until he was gone, and then I went in the bathroom and threw up. I turned on the water but I couldn’t… I didn’t want to be naked. I didn’t want to see myself. I waited until all the mirrors fogged up, and then I got undressed. There was a lot of blood. ”
John shook his head. He was trying to think of something to say, and coming up empty. Jen continued.
“Once I got the blood off, I sort of… that was the main thing. I had to get the blood off me right then. It was like it was burning me. Once that happened I kind of collapsed. I just lay down on the floor of the tub and cried for a long time. I don’t know how long.
“Eventually I got out of the shower and hid the clothes. I burned them, later. That night I just hid them, and then I sat on the little couch in my room all night and tried not to think about anything. After a while, the sun came up, and I went to school.”
“But that wasn’t it,” John said. It wasn’t a question.
Jen shook her head. “That was the beginning. It was almost a year before it happened again. I was fourteen by then, and had almost gotten past it, when he showed up again. This time he threatened to hurt me if I didn’t promise to keep it secret.”
John rested his head against his hand. “Christ,” he said.
“Eight months later, same deal. Six months later, I was fifteen, it happened again. Then five months. Then three. Then a long stint, about another eight, then twice in the span of three months. I remember every fucking one. I could tell you the exact dates. After the second one I started taking birth control pills because I didn’t want a baby. I told my doctor I needed them for PMS.
“By the end I was almost seventeen, drinking all the time, taking ecstasy just to stay happy enough that people would leave me alone. Sometimes I got so drunk I’d spend half the night puking. Tim knew I had a problem, but I wouldn’t tell him why I drank. I never told anyone, ever, until now.”
She looked up at John with the same eyes he had first seen on the street, by the A&P. “You win, John. You get to know what no one else ever knew. Hope it’s what you were looking for.”
