CerebralDebris

At Crispy Gamer, my place of employment, we’re always striving to give our readers new and interesting glimpses into the world of video games. Because of what we do, we enjoy backstage access to a wide variety of games. In our never-ending quest to bring gamers the real scoop, we sometimes uncover strange information that’s not always appropriate for the main site.

Today, I’ve decided to break embargo and risk my journalistic integrity by showing off these eight titles, each and every one suggested for development on the PS3, and each and everyone unceremoniously shitcanned!

8. Grillzone 2

Oh yes. 30 solid hours of char-broiled action! Master the art of the flip, the twist, the cheese application, and the drinking-six-beers-without-burning-anything finishing move. This extreme sports title was simply too extreme for the PS3.

7. Gran Tourettes

What happens when you take high-speed driving and combine it with an unending stream of profanity so heinous that it would make most sailors curl up in a corner, weeping like a little girl? You get Gran Tourettes! The initial demo for this title still holds the record for “Fastest Game to Send the Sony Executives Screaming Out Into the Hall.”

6. Prince of Perverts

This game was inspired by a developer’s exploration of the New York subway system back in 1987. It took him fifteen years to get over it, and it may take Sony another 15 before they’re ready to let the resulting title appear on their system.

5. Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

Ha! Can you believe someone actually pitched a Metal Gear Solid game where Solid Snake is like sixty-five years old, and sporting an outrageous trucker mustache? Yeah, I … wait, what? They actually made that?

4. Ratchet & Crunk

For a brief period of time, thanks mostly to Dave Chapelle, Lil Jon was the country’s hottest rapper. At any corner bar you could hear his notorious catch phrases being screamed every few minutes by drunken fratboys, drunken non-frat boys, and drunken everyone else, none of whom had ever actually seen a real Lil Jon video. Eager to cash in on this trend, an enterprising developer proposed this title. Fortunately for us all, cooler heads prevailed.

3. Assassin’s Cock

What? It’s the touching story of a Middle-Eastern assassin and the bond he forges with his pet rooster. The rooster was going to be an instrumental part of gameplay – you’d need his cooperation to finish certain missions. What did you think this was going to be about?

2. Shadow of the Colostomy

This title was to be aimed at young gamers … who like to climb on people that have suffered a terrible and humiliating medical procedure, and, uh … smite them. So it had that going for it.

1. LittleBigPhallus

Look … just be thankful that we’re not showing you the original concept art for “sackboy” here, ok?

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(big props to my friends in #mandog for helping think up the game names. What up, mandogs?)